regrets i've grown accustomed to
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
it's my blog's birthday today!!! yipeee!!!!
Happy Birthday oh dear beloved Blog
and thanks, you guys, for reading this lame excuse for a blog. lolz.
anyhoooo. i need to rant. so if ur in a rush bt checked to see whether there were any important updates, well, there isn't. so run along now. :D but if u feel like being nice and reading anyway, then umm. awwwwww. heh. :)
something heartbreaking happened today. no i won't say what. just that it was quite heartbreaking. curiousity killed the cat this time la. i digress. screw my shuffle man. i want emo songs and it keeps shuffling to those happy i wanna dance kinda songs. great. even my shuffle is screwed up! as i was saying, curiosity killed the cat. and this cat's died 9 times. i so don't make sense. anyway. i think i gave someone that satisfaction today. you know the kind where it makes you feel good in that "padan muka" kinda way? cue for metaphor:
your old high school's basketball coach won't let you on the varsity team eventhough you attend every practice, cheer at every game and god forbid, use deodorant! and you can't help but feel that "grudge" and start imagining the perfect scenario where you change schools and become your new school's MVP and better yet, trash your previous school's team. ha ha. it hardly happens but this time it did. only thing is I'M the basketball coach. yipee. babi man.
and no i don't like the feeling. apparently it gets better. but it's not. i wish we kinda had an emotional dial which we control. like if you're feeling emo, just turn the dial and you'll b happier faster than you can say "where got emo?". yup yup. oh well. i should just go shoot myself. metaphorically i mean. :D and yes, it's most definitely a regret i've grown TOO accustomed to. but even if i've grown accustomed to it, it still hurts and sucks 100%!
Soundtrack: Lifehouse - Take me away(acoustic)
p.s: i had to look for the song. dumb shuffle.
love,
Becky
Labels: better than random, emo
Liberation's not just for the needy
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
i've only just begun to understand that liberation is not a right. it's a privellege. one that most of us take advantage of. not the "suppressed, human rights" type. but more the jump around with not a care in the world and no teenage emo angst type. which unfortunately has for the past few months, been almost impossible for me to achieve. damn it. i miss that liberation. which prob explains the pic of the girl jumping. she seems happy. but you can't actually see her face. so perhaps she was crying but at the same time posing for the pic. you know, that act that most of us have perfected? the one where your heart is at the pit of your belly but you face is grinning like some cheshire cat.i had an argument with joel the other day. it was bout emo-ness. in my opinion, we should just suck up all that emo-ness, cry alone at home and smile and not burden other ppl with ur emo-ness. eventhou i contradict myself quite frequently. but joel thinks doing that would mean i'd be living somewhat a lie. that i should show the person i'm emo-ing about that i'm emo. but then again wouldn't that somehow give the person some kinda satisfaction? the ha ha now your'e the emo one kind of satisfaction. and sorry joel, but my ego just won't permit it. i need to deflate my ego now. before it backfires another time. wait. it already did.
Soundtrack: Michael Buble - It had to be you
Becky
Labels: emo
Thursday, June 21, 2007
i think i've lost something. wait. i know i've lost something. i think. the very thought that i've lost something and am still able to be fickle minded about whether i've actually lost it can release a paroxysm of frustration, fear, sorrow and disappointment. but i know what it is. it's not one of those things you lose, then have your kakak find it and place it on your study table the next day. i wish it was thou.
this thing that i think i've lost is somewhat precious to me. it's something so precious that i'm actually willing to spend the entire night looking for it. if only it wished to be found. it's vexing, this thing. it is.
it's kinda like a tennis match. you know how in the beginning you're so excited about the prospects of you actually winning the match that you every whack you take is coupled with a great enthusiasm. so let's say you bring a partner into the picture. so both of you are whacking the tennis ball, ever so enthusiastically i might add, that you don't realize the rain or the scorching Sun or that you're actually so dehydrated you could drink the whole of Tasik Kenyir. it takes a while for the both of you to realize that it's you've been playing this game for quite a while. but you still play it anyway.
after a while you get preoccupied with the other things that are going on in and around the tennis court. so you start playing half-heartedly. and your partner starts feeling irritated. but you don't realize it of course coz you're so wrapped up in you own little world and besides, he's whacking the ball back isn't he? so you continue self-indulging that you don't realize that the ball come's back weaker. a lot weaker. so you glance over to your partner and see that he's gotten so fed up he's merely letting the racket hit the ball so you don't have to play with yourself. and then he leaves the court. leaving you dumbfounded. why the hell did he leave the court? wat on earth did you bloody do? but your massive i-can't-fit-my-head-thru-the-door ego won't permit you to run after him. so you sit there alone. waiting for him to return and tell you he just went to the toilet for a while. but he doesn't. you start whinging and whining until you see him enter another court. and all you can do is look. and feel sad. there're countless times where you wanted to scream "u punani, come back and play with me la" right across the court. but above mentioned ego doesn't permit remember? actually, your partner's ego's pretty much the same size as yours too. but he'll never admit it. just like you'll never admit how massive your ego is either.
it's kinda like the game Preston talked about in Grey's. two kids play and you run around and try to catch the other kid. once you've caught the other kid, you kinda wring his hands behind his back until he cries "uncle". then you've won!
to the above mentioned "partner" who i don't think will figure the whole thing out and what it's about: i'm not ready to cry "uncle".
Soundtrack : The Research - lonely hearts still beat the same.
Becky
this thing that i think i've lost is somewhat precious to me. it's something so precious that i'm actually willing to spend the entire night looking for it. if only it wished to be found. it's vexing, this thing. it is.
it's kinda like a tennis match. you know how in the beginning you're so excited about the prospects of you actually winning the match that you every whack you take is coupled with a great enthusiasm. so let's say you bring a partner into the picture. so both of you are whacking the tennis ball, ever so enthusiastically i might add, that you don't realize the rain or the scorching Sun or that you're actually so dehydrated you could drink the whole of Tasik Kenyir. it takes a while for the both of you to realize that it's you've been playing this game for quite a while. but you still play it anyway.
after a while you get preoccupied with the other things that are going on in and around the tennis court. so you start playing half-heartedly. and your partner starts feeling irritated. but you don't realize it of course coz you're so wrapped up in you own little world and besides, he's whacking the ball back isn't he? so you continue self-indulging that you don't realize that the ball come's back weaker. a lot weaker. so you glance over to your partner and see that he's gotten so fed up he's merely letting the racket hit the ball so you don't have to play with yourself. and then he leaves the court. leaving you dumbfounded. why the hell did he leave the court? wat on earth did you bloody do? but your massive i-can't-fit-my-head-thru-the-door ego won't permit you to run after him. so you sit there alone. waiting for him to return and tell you he just went to the toilet for a while. but he doesn't. you start whinging and whining until you see him enter another court. and all you can do is look. and feel sad. there're countless times where you wanted to scream "u punani, come back and play with me la" right across the court. but above mentioned ego doesn't permit remember? actually, your partner's ego's pretty much the same size as yours too. but he'll never admit it. just like you'll never admit how massive your ego is either.
it's kinda like the game Preston talked about in Grey's. two kids play and you run around and try to catch the other kid. once you've caught the other kid, you kinda wring his hands behind his back until he cries "uncle". then you've won!
to the above mentioned "partner" who i don't think will figure the whole thing out and what it's about: i'm not ready to cry "uncle".
Soundtrack : The Research - lonely hearts still beat the same.
Becky
Labels: emo
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
this weeks been pretty much a bitch. big time. i have nothing to say whatsoever. which says a lot given i always have a lot to say. life's a bitch la. punani.
Soundtrack :- The Killers - All these things that i've done
Becky
Labels: emo
Thursday, May 31, 2007
expectations. since the definition for expectations are pretty much super subjective, i decided to check that massive book with 1001 pages a.k.a the Dictionary. according to the Collins Essential English Dictionary, expectation is:-
- anticipation
- to regard as likely
- to require as an obligation
- something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for
- belief that someone should behave in a particular way
in my frivolous opinion, expectations are just those little things created to make your life hell. honestly. we'd be better off without them. all they leave behind are broken hearts, tainted dignities, screwed up hopes and lots and lots of painful,tarnished memories. and since we're all for making the world a better place, we should just get rid of expectations along with all that carbon monoxide and global warming that has made sum glacial thingy at the top of Mount Everest melt.
seriously. expectation was what made that 30 year old dude who just lost his job jump over the ledge. it makes that girl stick her finger down her throat after every sorry excuse for a meal. it causes the mother to sigh and cringe in embarassment and disappointment for every A her child does not get. it drives the 14 year old teenage boy to light a cigarette for the first time. it pushes that 18 year old girl to give that marijuana joint a go.
but as heart breaking as expectations are, they bring with it hope. pure, untainted, shit-free hope. which sucks. because as much as i wanna throw it away and flush it down some toilet bowl or whatever, it helps me wake up in the morning. expecting a better tomorrow. it's so cliched it kills me. honestly, i hate expectations. right down to its very gut. if i were to meet expectation, i mean if it was a person, i'd probably slap it silly. then say sorry and cry. and then ask it to disappear into oblivion. before asking it to come back. yup. don't we all have a love-hate relationship with expectation? it's pretty ironic thou. this whole expecting business. say u expect to get an A1 for ur umm.. Math. and u end up getting a B4. u don't start wallowing in ur self-pity and go " oh well. that's it for me n math." u start feeling that adrenaline-like burst of kiasu-ism that we inherited from our neighbours across the Tebrau Straits and bust ur ass working to get that elusive A1.
but when u do get it, where do you go from there? for every expectation achieved, every goal accomplished, where does it go from there? do we sit around waiting to spill all our achievements and try rubbing our achieved expectation in every single person's face who pass us by? or do we set new expectations and new goals? hoping that this time will turn out like the last, our expectations achieved, our goals accomplished. it's a pretty screwed up gamble if u ask me. coz at the end of the road are 2 very different conclusions which lead to 2 painfully contrasting life endings. i'll b the first to admit thou. i'm dumb enough to take that gamble every single day and every time something happens. coz what is heart break and sorrow when there might b unadultered joy and sheer pride at the end of the line?
soundtrack:- Howie Day - Collide
pretty screwed up from expecting,
Becky
Labels: emo
Saturday, May 19, 2007
10 things you didn't know about Becky:- she talks to herself. because she is the only child.
- she talks to mirrors. coz that's the way she vents her frustrations so she doesn't blow up and please refer to reason #1 again.
- the number of actual friends who know who she really is deep inside can be counted with less than 10 fingers.
- she can be a bit of a hypocrite sometimes.
- she needs to know that there are people there for her.
- she hates it when people diss and bitch about her eventhou she looks like she doesn't care.
- the only person she's ever let see/listen to her cry is Dao Wei.
- she's still the same kiasu insecure nerd even if she doesn't seem like it.
- and no. she actually doesn't think she's the hottest girl alive.
soundtrack: Mr Big - Be with you
love,
Becky
Labels: emo
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
there are times when i want to write a post and i feel it at the edge of my fingertips. but it somehow just refuses to come out. maybe it's a sign. maybe it's kinda like God's quirky way of telling me that what i'm about to write might cause discomfort due to the extreme privacy of those thoughts. yeah. maybe that's why. if supressing myself will make the world a "better place to live in", then i'd better shut up.
Labels: emo
3rd time's definitely no charm.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
i've been diagnosed. with the disease of the worst kind. but i won't tell u. eventhou it's running thru my very nerves. funny eh? how it bites you right where it really hurts? it's the 3rd time. the 3rd! well they say 3rd time's a charm. how wrong that ass was. oh well.. wat's life without feeling bummed and making mistakes rite?
Labels: emo
vulnerably
Saturday, March 10, 2007
i don't see much. nt from this window of mine anyway. as i stare out of the tinted piece of glass, i notice my reflection. it looks pretty okay. from the outside at least. i look pretty awkward. with my black rimmed glasses and a flower in my hair. oooh. not forgetting the Gap tee.
then it strikes me. so this is what the world sees eh? nothing particulalrly interesting. it's not like i have 3 eyes or a nose as big as an elephants. thou i do tend to flare when i laugh. heh heh. then that song comes on. perfect timing. the one bout how reflections deceive and stuff. great.
so. does my reflection deceive who i really am inside? what i really feel? i mean. it's not unusual to feel this way is it. everyone does it. portray a certain character. one that defies and contradicts every cell inside their body. blatantly doing things, ignoring the screaming and tussling conscience inside.
but then again. should we reveal who we truly are and risk vulnerability? oily hair, dirt under fingernails and all? i often wonder whether it'd be a good idea to one day stand on a stage, imperfections and all, and let the crowd judge and scrutinise me. because as sadistic as it sounds, then i wouldn't have to wear a mask anymore. see, the reason we wear these masks are to avoid stares oozing with scrutiny and judgemental insults.but once that's over and done with, we need not care about the stares and jeers anymore. sure, you and your family are all that really matters. you know how when you've got trouble with your friends when you were little your mum would kinda go, nvm la girl/boy, mummy friend you enough d. and that'd make your day. week even.
then we grow up. worrying about self-reputation, peer pressure and what the world expects of us. honestly speaking, i hate being vulnerable. it makes you feel like some lab experiment for the world to study and come to it's own conclusions. you literally feel the callipers poking at you, looking into your every nook and cranny, searching for more embarassing secrets to reveal.
actually i think i'll go look for my mum right now. let her know how i'm feeling. listen to her say those exact words about how she'll be my friend no matter what. even if it makes me feel better for only a minute. because then, even if the world gets too depressing, for those precious 60 seconds, the world might not seem like such a bad place after all.
The track that made me feel vulnerable:
Christina Aguillera - reflections
Vulnerably,
BecKy
Labels: emo
when darkness turns to light
Saturday, November 18, 2006
and with that we, fourth formers, end our academic year of form 4. a sweeeeeeeeet ride. that's what it has been. gosh. it feels as if our first day were yesterday. how time passes us by.
i still remember our first day. or at least mine. went back to our original form 3 classes. all awaiting the class list. and boy were we hoping we'd end up in d same class. and the nxt day, the dreaded day. no surprise that most of us were seperated. i got 4 Cekap.
entered the class.
took a look around.
didn't recognize a single soul.
came to the conclusion the nxt 2 years of my academic life was screwed!!
wahahhaha. my my.. what a conclusion. i think it's pretty safe to say i LOVE my class. and the conclusion is SOOO not accepted man. every single soul adds the little touches that make 4C the class that it is today. i mean initially we were in cliques. like the chinese speaking were at the back, the malays at the side, n us the english speaking ones in the front. but after 11 months of being together 24/7, we're all ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY!!
so.. since it was the last day of school, yours truly decided to go to school. nt many peeps from 4 came but the others were there. i remember looking around between the round of blackjack and just taking in everything that was around me. i know, i know. why the drama?? it's only another 6 weeks b4 i see them again. but then again. it'll all b different. we'll b seniors. the word SPM probably send multiple chills down our very spines. no more skipping class. or gossiping and eating during add math.
forgive the sentimentalism. i just feel kinda emo now. u know. those days where you're all happy then you watch a show which has a really sad ending and suddenly you feel like the show was talking bout your world. the one where you're the main star. and everyone else plays a part in making you the person you are today. be it bitchy ( like me!), happy, or just plain emo.
then it hits you like lightning. maybe your world isn't all it's hacked up to be. the spotlight dims. you're time on the stage has run out. the people around you start packing their things. the audience start leaving. you shout desperately trying to make them stay. they haven't even watched the best part yet. the part that's supposed to earn you the standing ovation you deserve. then the stillness in the air becomes so deafening you just fall to your knees. the spotlight goes off. the magestic music turns off. all there's left is that silhoutte panting in frustration on the stage.
but the moment you give up hope. the spotlight comes back on. it's very dim. but bright enough for you to see everything around you. then you see the people who play the most important roles in your life, your friends and family. they're unpacking their things. they're putting their costumes back on. they join you on the stage. someone suddenly says " hey who cares if that scene was a bummer, you've got us."
then the show makes sense. no no your show. but the one with the sad ending. it wasn't bout me. it was bout all the things i take for granted. the show in question was scrubs. i know, scrubs?? wth rite? it's s'ppose to be all laughter. but that's what makes it special. when it actually has a sad ending in one of it's episodes, we're never prepared for it are we? kinda like life. we don't expect the thorns that come with the roses. it's a reminder that every special thing has its flaw. like you and i. and like my form 4 year.
i lied. it HASN'T been a sweet ride. not all of it at least. there were times of sheer desperation, on my part, for a true friend, a hug, a kind word, an A in an exam. i've done my share of backstabbing, bitching and betraying. so much so i'm ashamed to talk bout it. but sharing is good for the soul.
so before i really end form 4, there are a few things i wanna say. first of all, i'm SORRY for ny heartaches of hurt that i've caused in the past year. to Gillian, Michelle and Cheryl, i'm sorry i wasn't a friend in any of the times you need one the most. to my classmates, i'm sorry for being a bitch. to the teachers that had to put up with me, sorry for being a pain in the ass. and to everyone else who felt the wrath of my bitchiness and fury, i apologize.
I now stand alone on the stage. the scene "Form 4 through my eyes" has ended. it has it's rough edges. my hair's in a mess. my mascara's running. the theatre is silent. i take my bow and make my way backstage. preparing for my next scene. i find the script i was s'pposed to reenact to make this scene a perfect one. one that's rid itself of it's flaws. i snicker and throw it away. had this scene been perfect, i would'nt have been the same person i am now. i'm preparing myself for the next scene. i try looking for the script. the exact one i just threw away for the last scene. i can't find it. haha. maybe next year around this time when i take my bow after that scene, i'll find it. but i think i know what i'm going to do with it. because life without the sorrow and pain renders joy a worthless gain.
so. prepare yourself for the next scene. because i promise it'll be better than this one.
Track of the entry:
The All American Rejects - It ends tonight
ending this scene,
BecKy
i still remember our first day. or at least mine. went back to our original form 3 classes. all awaiting the class list. and boy were we hoping we'd end up in d same class. and the nxt day, the dreaded day. no surprise that most of us were seperated. i got 4 Cekap.
entered the class.
took a look around.
didn't recognize a single soul.
came to the conclusion the nxt 2 years of my academic life was screwed!!
wahahhaha. my my.. what a conclusion. i think it's pretty safe to say i LOVE my class. and the conclusion is SOOO not accepted man. every single soul adds the little touches that make 4C the class that it is today. i mean initially we were in cliques. like the chinese speaking were at the back, the malays at the side, n us the english speaking ones in the front. but after 11 months of being together 24/7, we're all ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY!!
so.. since it was the last day of school, yours truly decided to go to school. nt many peeps from 4 came but the others were there. i remember looking around between the round of blackjack and just taking in everything that was around me. i know, i know. why the drama?? it's only another 6 weeks b4 i see them again. but then again. it'll all b different. we'll b seniors. the word SPM probably send multiple chills down our very spines. no more skipping class. or gossiping and eating during add math.
forgive the sentimentalism. i just feel kinda emo now. u know. those days where you're all happy then you watch a show which has a really sad ending and suddenly you feel like the show was talking bout your world. the one where you're the main star. and everyone else plays a part in making you the person you are today. be it bitchy ( like me!), happy, or just plain emo.
then it hits you like lightning. maybe your world isn't all it's hacked up to be. the spotlight dims. you're time on the stage has run out. the people around you start packing their things. the audience start leaving. you shout desperately trying to make them stay. they haven't even watched the best part yet. the part that's supposed to earn you the standing ovation you deserve. then the stillness in the air becomes so deafening you just fall to your knees. the spotlight goes off. the magestic music turns off. all there's left is that silhoutte panting in frustration on the stage.
but the moment you give up hope. the spotlight comes back on. it's very dim. but bright enough for you to see everything around you. then you see the people who play the most important roles in your life, your friends and family. they're unpacking their things. they're putting their costumes back on. they join you on the stage. someone suddenly says " hey who cares if that scene was a bummer, you've got us."
then the show makes sense. no no your show. but the one with the sad ending. it wasn't bout me. it was bout all the things i take for granted. the show in question was scrubs. i know, scrubs?? wth rite? it's s'ppose to be all laughter. but that's what makes it special. when it actually has a sad ending in one of it's episodes, we're never prepared for it are we? kinda like life. we don't expect the thorns that come with the roses. it's a reminder that every special thing has its flaw. like you and i. and like my form 4 year.
i lied. it HASN'T been a sweet ride. not all of it at least. there were times of sheer desperation, on my part, for a true friend, a hug, a kind word, an A in an exam. i've done my share of backstabbing, bitching and betraying. so much so i'm ashamed to talk bout it. but sharing is good for the soul.
so before i really end form 4, there are a few things i wanna say. first of all, i'm SORRY for ny heartaches of hurt that i've caused in the past year. to Gillian, Michelle and Cheryl, i'm sorry i wasn't a friend in any of the times you need one the most. to my classmates, i'm sorry for being a bitch. to the teachers that had to put up with me, sorry for being a pain in the ass. and to everyone else who felt the wrath of my bitchiness and fury, i apologize.
I now stand alone on the stage. the scene "Form 4 through my eyes" has ended. it has it's rough edges. my hair's in a mess. my mascara's running. the theatre is silent. i take my bow and make my way backstage. preparing for my next scene. i find the script i was s'pposed to reenact to make this scene a perfect one. one that's rid itself of it's flaws. i snicker and throw it away. had this scene been perfect, i would'nt have been the same person i am now. i'm preparing myself for the next scene. i try looking for the script. the exact one i just threw away for the last scene. i can't find it. haha. maybe next year around this time when i take my bow after that scene, i'll find it. but i think i know what i'm going to do with it. because life without the sorrow and pain renders joy a worthless gain.
so. prepare yourself for the next scene. because i promise it'll be better than this one.
Track of the entry:
The All American Rejects - It ends tonight
ending this scene,
BecKy
Labels: emo
